“Too”

We all know well by now that women and men regularly get assigned different adjectives. Women are aggressive but men are assertive etc., but have we looked closely at the “too”? Are men ever “too” anything? While women, in my opinion, constantly seem to be “too” of a lot of things.

Why do men get to just BE the thing - tall, ambitious, independent, sound. However women are always TOO much of the thing?

Can you even be too much of a thing? They say the average amount of time it takes to become an expert in anything is 10,000, 20,000, 25,000+ hours. How then, can women be “too” so frequently and it NOT be a compliment? And trust me, it is not a compliment.

The first time I took notice of the “too” in a professional sense was at a time when I had a few years experience under my work belt I was desperately seeking a promotion. I knew I had more to give and I was driven (and impatient) and I wasn’t going to stop until I got it. I also didn’t care too much what the next promotion was, once I had some transferable skills to get the job done, I was willing to prove myself in anything and I had the mindset of when I get here I’ll figure it out. I think I went for 3 or 4 jobs over the course of a few months, speaking to the managers of each one, applying, sometimes interviewing and inevitably not getting the job before one finally came up that I felt I had a real shot at. A real shot I did, I got the job. I remember my new boss telling me that they had rang a previous boss of mine to get a reference for me before they offered me the job, and the response was positive but with the specific mention of “she’s very ambitious”.

Ok, I am substituting the “too” for “very” here. However the implication still holds! Why was my ambition a thing to call out at all? Like when you pass someone on a hike and they say “it’s a clear trail but very foggy at the top”. Almost like a warning. Shouldn’t ambition be an assumed prerequisite rather than a warning.

It has also frequently come my way in the form of “you’re too nice”. My Nan had a phrase and it was “you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar” and 9 times out of 10 I have found that to be true. If you are sound, people will respond to it. I’m not talking about being a pushover, I’m not talking about avoiding tough conversations, I’m just talking about a general decision to wake up in the morning and go in to work and be a bit charming, be a bit understanding, be clear in what you’re looking for, what you’re asking for, why you need help with something etc but be nice to the person that you are asking for this from. Be sound.

I find that sometimes in business, just like in life, theres no room for nice only ruthlessness, and sometimes there’s no room for ruthlessness only nice. I’m not afraid to do either when the time calls for it, nor, in my experience has any women I’ve ever worked with.

If I can get what I need 90% of the time by being “too nice” - why is that even an issue? Why is it a “too”? The job is done isn’t it, and it was done nicely.

For balance, its important to put out there that I have also been part of conversations where a man has been described as “too nice”, but in my overall experience it’s a word that skews largely to the description of women in a professional sense.

The thing some people fail to understand about extremely nice people is that their other side is just as extreme. It’s what they’ve gone through and come out the other side of that makes them gentle. Don’t mistake self control for weakness or a guaranteed niceness. The phrase, “fuck around and find out”, feels like a good one to end this on.

Go forth in soundness but with barely contained ruthlessness my friends, I know you’ll use them both well and wisely when the time calls for it.